Tips for Dealing with Bereaved Parents

 

 

"My Friend Is Hurting — What Can I Say or Do?"

 

  Best Practices for Responding to Bereaved Parents

•   Listen   

• Acknowledge upset feelings
• Speak calmly
• Do not respond to anger with anger
• Don’t take it personally
• Stay calm
• Gather and organize information
• Recognize problems that you cannot solve, and get help

Helpful things to say:

• I’m so sorry (conveying empathy)
• I’m sad for you
• I’m here to listen (and mean it)
• I’ll call you (and do it)
• Take all the time you need (and allow it)
• Come and be with us now
• Tell me how you are feeling
• It must be hard to accept
• It must be painful for you
• You must have been very close to him/her
• How can I help?
• Let’s spend some time together
• Go ahead and grieve
• Everyone really cared for him/her
• Tell me more about your child
• I’m thinking about you

Things people say which are NOT helpful:

• God had a purpose
• It’s God’s will
• Be thankful you have another child
• I know how you feel (unless you are a bereaved parent)
• Time makes it easier
• You have to keep going
• You have to get over it
• You have to get on with your life
• You’re not the only one who suffers
• It’s inevitable, we all die
• Life must go on

Now is NOT the time to:

• Ignore the death
• Compare this death with your losses
• Offer pity
• Offer your opinion, perspective or philosophy on life and death
• Suggest that men don’t cry
• Deny the grieving process

This IS the time to:

• Adopt an attitude of caring and compassion
• Become a good listener
• Acquire the ability to speak words of comfort
• Understand that grief changes people – forever
• Watch for signs of overwhelming emotional pain
• Spend time just sitting with the bereaved person
• Write letters of encouragement

Frances Palmer, December 12, 2002